Stranded Stinky SG1
by Anteyra
Summary: When gating to a world the men fall into a bit of bother literally so Carter get's the chance to humiliate them. chap 2 revised
1. The Cause Of Carter's Madness

"Just before you go…" The Texan General began… "I want to warn you…"

"Yeah, yeah. Be careful of Jaffa, we know. Let's go team!" Jack interrupted having heard it all before. The gate activated and SG1 stepped through the gate. Sam waiting for a second.

"That's not what I was going to say!" He yelled after them but they had all gone through. "Stupid Colonel O'Neill"

On a planet, the Sam stepped through, walking backwards, and the gate disengaged. She turned round and noticed that her fellow team mates had fallen into a large pool of mud. The mud was up to their chests.

"I think I know what General Hammond was trying to tell us."

"Thanks Carter." Sam looked around and moved off the platform onto an un-muddy patch of land. "Are you going to help us out or not?" Sam looked at the three men before giving her reply.

"You know what they say, mud is always good for the body. Let me see… " And then she launched into a little song. "Mud, mud, glorious mud, nothing quite like it for cooling the blood."

"What?" Jack quickly said in confusion and to get her to stop singing.

"Never mind." She said

"Well then, shut up and get us out of here."

"Sorry sir, you're on your own."

"That's an order Major!"

"There's no way I'm going anywhere near that stuff."

"It's just mud."

"But it does stink a lot." Daniel said.

"I concur." Agreed their friendly Jaffa friend.

"You guys are not helping." The colonel looked at his two mates who were also in the mud.

"I suggest we go back home cause the Jaffa will be able to smell you all a mile away

"Carter! Get us out now!"

"Sorry no can do."

"Sam!" Jack grabbed a handful of mud and threw it at Sam, but she managed to dodge out of the way. Jack was just about the throw some more when Daniel interrupted him

"I've found a way out Jack, follow me."

"Why do I get a bad feeling about this?" Jack quietly said to himself. He began to move off following Daniel, but he soon suddenly stopped. "What have I just trodden on?"

"What did it feel like?"

"Like a snake."

"I too believe I have stepped on a reptile."

"Same here." All three men looked at each other.

"Let's get out slowly, but quickly." They began to move when Sam suddenly shouted….

"Sir! Behind you!" Jack spun round and came face to face with a very large head.

"Forget about the slowly part. Move, move, move!" He shouted and all three men rushed out of the mud as three serpent like creatures tried to bite them. Then got to dry land and rested to catch their breath. Jack looked back at the muddy pool and watched as the serpents went back under the surface of the mud. "That's why I was getting a bad feeling." He then realised something was missing. "Oh great!"

"What?"

"I dropped my gun in there!" Jack pointed at the mud and Sam began to move over to her friends.

"I too have lost my weapon in the mud pool"

"Well, go back in and get them." Said Daniel as he began to wipe off as much of the mud off him as he could.

"There's no way I'm going back in there. You go."

"Me? But I haven't lost my weapons. You should go."

"I'm in charge here!"

"Are you all ok?" Sam stepped in to stop the argument.

"Yeah, we're all in one piece. No thanks to you."

"She did warn you about that thing behind you."

"Shut up Daniel!

"Shutting up." Daniel said as he went back to work getting rid of the mud.

"No, keep talking, Daniel. It's annoying him." Sam urged.

"You keep quite and that's an order!" Jack raised his voice and pointed at Daniel.

"Not Military, orders don't work on me." Daniel reminded the Colonel.

"I didn't really want to be reminded of that. What exactly were those things in there?" Jack pointed at the pool.

"I think it was a Hydra."

"A what?" Sam questioned.

"A Hydra. Nine headed snake."

"Thought they were just a myth."

"Well you were wrong."

"So I see. So what is it doing in there?" pointing at the pool again.

"I conclude that it is protecting the gate. Seeing as the three of us were not prepared for the mud it makes an excellent trap that most people would be unaware of." Teal'c suggested to his comrades.

"Good thing I was taking note of General Hammond's warning."

"Why does she have to be Miss Goody-Two-Shoes?"

"Because she's a girl, and girls are usually like that"

"A girl?" Sam was a little offended by being called a girl – even if it was Daniel that had said it.

"Girl, woman, female, all the same thing."

"No they're not! Girls are young females, and women are older females. Big Difference!"

"All right, enough! Let's finish the job we came to do and get out of here."

"I do not believe that is a wise decision Colonel O'Neill."

"Why not?"

"As Major Carter pointed out, any one would be able to smell us if we got within a few metres of them. We would be detected before we knew it."

"Ergh! Yuk!" Daniel suddenly shouted out.

"What is it Daniel?" Said jack sighing.

"This is Gross!"

"What is?"

"What we've just fallen into."

"It's just mud."

"No it isn't. I just realised that if there's a living creature in there. Urgh, it's horrible just thing about it. Bleurgh!"

"It's a hydra. So what? Big nine headed monster that could easily kill anyone…"

"What do all living creature do Jack? Urgh. I need to get back to SGC and have a shower with lots of soap!" Jack was now starting to feel a bit queasy.

"I really wanted to know that Daniel." Jack said, heavy on the sarcasm.

"Sorry but you did ask."

"You were making strange noises and I was curious as to why you were making them."

"I'll call SGC at tell them to get de-contamination for you guys."

"What about you?"

"I don't need it. I haven't been in that stuff."

"Carter?"

"Yes sir?"

"Dial home."

"Yes sir." She moved over to the DHD and punched in the numbers then pressed the big red button in the middle. Nothing happened. She tried again. Still nothing happened. She tried a third time, but still the gate would not activate.

"What's the hold up Carter"

"The gate won't work."

"Where are you trying to call?"

"Earth"."

"Try somewhere else." Sam nodded her head in acknowledgement, but nothing happened.

"It's still not working!" (The three men stood up and moved over to the DHD, Sam backed away from tem and the smell. Jack gave her a strange look.

"Looks like we're stranded." Daniel said.

"Great" Jack was having fun with his sarcasm today.

"Well, look on the bright side."

"What bright side?"

"No one will want to attack us and capture us smelling like this." Jacked looked at Daniel in annoyance.

"Good thinking, although I'm at a disadvantage because I don't smell like you do.

"You just had a lucky escape. Why don't you jump in so no one will want to take you as their prisoner?"

"And get killed by that… that hydra? No way. I'll take my chances with being caught rather than smelling bad."

"Colonel O'Neill. What do you suggest is our next course of action?"

"Find a nice pool of clean water and try and get this muck off us before it hardens and we won't be able to walk."

"And I think this is the best way to go."

"Why?"

"Because there are Jaffa that way!" She pointed to a large group of Jaffa who had their staff weapons charged and pointing at SG1.

"Run!" Jack quickly shouted and the team scattered with the Jaffa hot on their trail. "The damn Hydra has my gun!"

"Shut up jack and keep running!" And they did. Sam soon found a cave and they all quickly rushed into and hid. The Jaffa ran past and were soon out of sight. The four members of SG1 began to catch their breath back. "That was a close one."

"A little too close for my liking."

"Ok boys, jump in." Sam called from somewhere deeper in the cave. The men followed the sound of her voice."

"What do you mean 'Jump in'?" Jack asked?

"Nice clean water." She said, pointing to a pool of clean water.

"Well done Carter."

"Now, off with your clothes."

"Excuse me?" All three men looked at her.

"You can't exactly take a wash in your clothes can you? I'll leave the cave and keep an eye out for Jaffa while you wash yourselves and your clothes.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Sam left the cave and the men stripped down and jumped in the water. After a couple of hours of washing and drying the men came out of the cave, their clothes still a bit damp, but at least they didn't smell and were cleaner.

"All nice and clean now?" Sam asked from her position in the grass. She was lying down sunbathing.

"As clean as we can be thank you." Jack said with a very small smile."

"Good." Sam jumped up. "Now let's get home." She began to walk off.

"I thought the gate wasn't working." Daniel called to her.

"It wasn't. but I went back and reset the power grid. Dialled home and sent the MLP back through."

"Good for you."

"So now we'll be able to get back home and you can have a proper wash, with soap."

"Wait a minute, what about the mission?" Daniel asked.

"There is no longer any mission Daniel because we've been seen. We can't continue cause they know we're here, and they'll be out looking for us. Ok campers, let's go home." They left and soon arrived back at the gate. That's when jack noticed something in Sam's hands. "What have you got there Carter?"

"Got sir?" She said trying her best to look innocent and trying to hide the object at the same time. Daniel began to dial home.

"Yes, the thing in your hands behind your back. What is it?"

"Oh this?" She said and held up a camera.

"That's a camera isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Have you taken any pictures with it?"

"Yeah." She nodded her head and began to smile. "A couple of the cave, with you in it."

"What? Give me that!" Jack leapt forward to grab Sam but she dodged out of the way. The gate activated. "Give me that camera now Carter!" Sam darted through the gate and was gone, but Jack was hot on her heals and soon he was gone.. Daniel and Teal'c just looked at each other and casually walk through the gate.


	2. At the Base

At the SGC all the men were gathered with their weapons ready and the Iris was closed.

"It's an SG1 code sir!" Called Davis down into the microphone to the waiting General.

"Open the Iris" he called back and the iris opened. A couple of seconds later Sam came darting through the gate and immediately the men readied their weapons, a second later and Jack ran through shouting…

"You get back here now Carter!" but as soon as he saw General Hammond he stopped. "Hello sir." He said cheerily. A few seconds later and Daniel and Teal'c walked through the gate, calmly, and it deactivated. All men stood down.

"Was there a problem?" General Hammond asked as he looked between his officers standing before him on the ramp leading up to the gate.

"Yes." Daniel said.

"No." Jack very quickly said. He didn't want anyone to know what had happened.

"Debriefing in half an hour."

Daniel stepped forward slightly, raising one hand to show he was going to say something. "Err... General. Could you make that one hour?" Daniel asked. He still really needed a shower with soap.

Hammond looked at him and nodded. "Very well. De briefing in one hour." And he left the gateroom.

"Carter!" Jack called, slight anger lingered in his voice.

The Major stepped away from Lieutenant Siler as he turned to leave the gateroom. "Yes sir?"

As Jack approached Sam he held out one hand, palm upwards. "Give it to me." he wiggled his fingers back and forth.

"Give you what?" Sam was looking innocent and Daniel just smiled. All Teal'c did was to raise his eyebrow.

"The camera. Give me the camera."

"Oh that. I don't have it any more. I gave it to Lieutenant Siler."

Jack's face grew wide with horror. "You did what?" And Jack quickly ran off to go and find Siler. Sam laughed. Daniel, noticing her reaction moved towards her.

"You didn't really give it to Siler did you?" he asked, waving his finger around in the air.

"No. I gave it to Connor." Sam replied with a smile. Daniel shook his head and went off to follow Jack.

The next day Jack was on his way to the changing room, SG1 had been called to travel in half an hour. As he passed a room he noticed a poster, but didn't take much notice of it… until he suddenly stopped and walked backwards to the poster again. He instantly realised it wasn't a poster, but an enlarged copy of the men, naked, with their backs to the camera. Daniel and Teal'c came along.

"Have you two seen this?" Jack called as he beckoned his two friends over and pointing to the wall.

"What is it?"

"This." Jack pointed to the photo. Teal'c and Daniel stood either side of the colonel, staring at the photo. All three of them stood in silence.

Sam came round the corner, heading towards her room, but stopped as soon as she saw her team-mates gathered together. Jack sensed she was near and turned his head to look at her. Daniel and Teal'c did the same.

"CARTER!" He suddenly screamed, his shout echoing down the nearby corridors. Immediately Jack went into a run, heading straight for Sam. She turned on her heels and sprinted away from the angry Jack.

As the two of them continued their chase they crashed into other airmen knocking them down to the floor and dropping what ever they were carrying. Daniel and Teal'c followed slowly, helping those knocked over back up to their feet and apologising in advance for Jack's behaviour.

However the airmen knocked down had already seen the enlarged photo down in the Commissary, the lift, the gateroom, the control room, and along several corridors. They were everywhere around the base.

Sam quickly rounded a corner and ran into the gateroom where the gate was activated and saw SG6 disappear through the event horizon. Looking behind her she saw jack advancing quickly and without a second thought she headed up the ramp and through the event horizon. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c quickly entered just as she disappeared, they ran for the gate… but it deactivated before they could get through.

"Dammit. I want you to scour this base and see if there are any more of those pictures and destroy them before too many people see them."

"Yeah there are more."

"Destroy them!"

"With pleasure." The three men walked off in different directions. The soldiers in the gate room and the people up in the control room all just looked at the SG1 men, as soon as they had all gone everyone began to giggle.


	3. The Plan Of Revenge

Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c were very annoyed with Sam. They had gone over the whole base and found around 50 pictures of them in the cave, with nothing on. They each grabbed 1/3 of the 50 pictures and in sync they ripped them up and threw them in the bin. Then grabbing a match Jack lit it and set the bin alight.

"Hopefully that should be the last we see of them." Daniel said as he watched the flames slowly rise up from the bin. Only a few seconds later a warning light suddenly sounded and sprinklers from the room were activated, spraying water all over the place.

The fire in the bin was doused and the flames fizzled as they were put out by the drops of water.

"You should have remember Colonel O'Neill that there are smoke detectors throughout the base." Teal'c said looking at a rather annoyed Jack.

"Thanks Teal'c. Didn't think they would detect this." He pointed at the bin… the pictures were only half burnt, but at least there were less of them than there had been. "Let's go." Jack pointed a finger down the corridor and they all moved away from the burnt bin.

"Any ideas on how we can get our own back?" Jack asked his two friends.

"Not a thing. I was trying to think of someway but nothing came to me." Daniel replied looking back over his shoulder at the bin to make sure there weren't any flames.

"People are gonna start talking about this." Jack said as he sat down at a table in the Commissary. Sitting opposite him were Daniel and Teal'c, each with a drink in front of them.

"If they do, you could always say that they could be punished seeing as you are a higher rank than most people here." Teal'c said stating the obvious.

"When I get my hands on Carter, there'll be hell to pay."

At that moment General George Hammond walked in. "Afternoon gentlemen." He said, moving over and standing one side of the table.

"General." Jack said with a smile nodding his head slightly and quickly standing to attention. Daniel gave a slight wave of his hand at the bald man. Teal'c just stared at him blankly slightly looking at the man as he spoke.

"At ease Colonel." Jack sat back down in his chair as Hammond grabbed another one from the next table and sat down where he stood. "What was gong on earlier with you and Major Carter?"

"Just a bit of disagreement sir. So we won't be able to go on our mission cause we're down to three people."

"I know, so I'm sending SG7 out there instead." Jack just nodded. "I have contacted SG6 and I have been informed that Major Carter is helping them in their search on P3X – 815."

"That's good to hear." Jack said. Hammond stood up and replaced the chair where he had found it. He then looked at the three men, all of them looking deep in thought. Jack now had his arms crossed over his chest. He was deep in thought trying to think of someway to get revenge on Sam.

'_Taking photos of her while she was in the shower! --- No. No one would do that, men aren't allowed in the female's changing room, and that has already happened before – to me_.' Jack thought to himself. Thinking about the photos made him glare at nothing.

'_Swapping her normal shampoo for a hair dye! --- Now that is an interesting idea, but not really enough as pay back_.' Daniel thought running a hand through his hair.

'_Throw doughnuts at her. Doughnuts are nice, that would be a waste of good food._' --- Teal'c thought, he had never tried to get revenge on anyone before so he didn't really know what kind of things would be effective after the humiliation they had received from Carter.

"Well, we'll have to try and think of something before she comes back through the gate." Jack finally said. Teal'c and Daniel looked at him from their cups of coffee.

"Colonel?" Jack had completely forgotten that General Hammond was standing there next to him.

"Sorry sir. It was nothing." Jack said with a smile. Even though Hammond didn't really believe him he decided not to question it any further. He had seen one or two of the posters around the base before the trio had ripped them down.

"Well please keep your personal life separate from life here at the base."

"Understood sir." Jack stood up as Hammond left. Once the general had left through the doors jack sat down again.

"That was close." Daniel said after taking a sip from his drink.

"Have you had any ideas?" Jack's eyes darted between his two friends hoping for an answer.

"None." they both chimed together.

With a big sigh Jack tucked his hands behind his head and rocked back in his chair.


End file.
